I get hit on at the bus stop a lottttt.

So I think I'm going to start keeping a log on here of how many times it happens and a description of the person.
So far today its been two guys.
The first guy was an older thug looking guy from santa paula.
And now it's a big black guy.

...not sure what to think.

A normal thing for me, right?
I never seem to know which way is up or who's in control. Is it me or is it...me?
I tend to leave myself in a flurry of confusion.

I guess this might not be very surprising...but I think I just added another J to my hall of J's.

This one, J5 as we will call him for now is a little different.
Thank god.
I know I'm not going to have to deal with the same ridiculousness that drowned my relationships with J1-J4.
And I know that simply because I am too much of a chicken to even speak to this J. I am just going to admire....and admire from afar.
But I can't very well do that today because he's sitting right behind me...

Happiest place on earth?

I guess it's a good thing I'm not going. I'd hate to ruin the reputation.
I hate how J4 always bails on me. I figured disney would be our last hoorah as friends and then we would really and truly be done with eachother. I was wrong about that and right about my former post. I'm really upset. He was the only one in this god forsaken town that had some idea of culture and a brain. Great, back to being a loner.

Dreaming

The dream always consists of The Book Store. It's abandoned as so many people had died accidentally and been murdered there. It was rumored that the murderer holed up inside that bookstore. Right inside the elevator.
I was attracted to the place. I could see the outline of books upon books through the dusty windows, and they daunted me. So much knowledge sat on shelves and they could either serve their purpose as educational tools, or ultimately become the lining of some rat's nest. I didn't want that to happen. I just wanted those books. That want drove me to ignore the rumors about that building and it's supposed inhabitants, and I began snooping around for a way in.
Everywhere I looked, the building was sealed tight. I came around to the front of the building, ready to admit defeat. I just needed to press my nose against that dirty glass one more time to pay my respect to the books that were about to perish. (there's more. Just not done, have to go get ready for work.)

She really is beautiful.

The little girl inside. The one with a sharp mind and a fierce tongue.
Glorious wit and whimsical imagination was thrown out to make room for puberty and a life of confusion.

and J4 is gone.

While J4 and I will most likely remain friendly, I don't think we are going to maintain the friendship we had going. I am actually extremely hurt by this, but I can't say that I didn't see it coming. You see, J4 and I have now known each other for about 6 months. 6 happens to be that magic number that makes everyone disappear.
Every friendship or relationship I have with a guy that's been working well ends at 6 months. I'm not sure what it is. I guess it's hard to handle me for that long.
             I explained this to the new guy I've been talking to. Let's call him Doc for now. Doc described it as living a "gypsy lifestyle". I could only agree with him. I've done research on the Roma Gypsies and , while I don't have it nearly as bad as them, it made more sense than he knew. When they need to they can just pick up and leave without worrying about the nothing they are leaving behind. When I want to, I can disappear for months at a time without worrying about friends, since I have none. I've learned to discard people after a certain amount of time. Maybe I've guarded myself so intensely that it's now a habit of my subconscious to make people go away within a certain amount of time. Just as I seem to be getting attached, I push them away. I wonder if I can break a habit powered by a mind I seemingly have no control over. (Don't think about that too hard, it's sort of a paradox and I dislike dealing with those.)

J1 is ...DONE.

In an odd twist, J1 will not be seeing his daughter. Knowingly.
Ever. I could not be happier with this. He has a "family" now, and he can take care of them. He can live his life how he pleases. Away from her.