Secret Life of The American Teenager.

You have NO idea...

I was just watching the new episode of the new season and I got to being an emotional wreck.
I really wish J1 had stuck around for his daughter. I'm sure if he had seen that bright little face of hers, his heart would have soared higher than he could have ever imagined.
She's a pretty little thing. Hopefully I don't sound rude in saying this, but she is practically a genetic anomaly.
Her darkish blonde hair, her brown bright eyes, and her perfect white skin. Seems that Fertile Myrtle's supposed "dominant genes" got a litttttttle lazy there. Didn't they? Hahaha.
Gosh, I just go into thinking about her and my train of thought goes kaput.
I just wish J1 had the same chance to do this. To be angry and then to see that little face and just completely forget why you were mad. I wish he could feel that love. 
I feel like maybe today he made some sort of effort to know about her. He asked me..."Have you heard anything about the kid?"  today. At first I was shocked. He had hated the idea of her so much it seemed. But now that she wasn't the unknown entity residing within me anymore, he is comfortable asking about her?
I just don't understand it. I think he is just curious.I also think he is not too thrilled about his curiosity and that's why he addressed her as "The Kid".
Oy, he just gave me a new code name. The Kid.
But I can't be angry...because he is at least asking about her.

As shocked as I was I managed to let him know that she is doing fine and that her new family is moving out here to this county. I wish I had been watching his face as I told him this, but a sort of shame and embarrassment washes over me whenever we speak now, so I was watching his hands. I haven't been able to look him in the eye since the day I walked through the pouring rain to discuss "proof of pregnancy" with him. He wanted proof, but he wouldn't come get it so I went to bitch him out. I was angry...was I always such a cow? Did my belly not scream "hey, there's another human inside of me!!!!"?Today was weird though. He was ...friendly enough. He didn't dare look at me though. That is until I somehow got the courage to look at him...and asked him the question that's been burning a hole right through my head and through my heart for the past 8 months. Are you going to hate me forever?
He looked right back at me as he was walking off. His icy eyes were wide with confusion. The first eye contact we had made in months. I just wish he didn't look at me. I wish he could have looked inside himself because what came out of his mouth and what came through his eyes were two different things. He stammered a lot. He could not get a real answer out of his mouth and I noticed. But those eyes, they said "I don't know if I'll hate you forever, because I have not decided if I want to hate you forever yet".
And to those eyes I said "Well, It's not like we meant for this to happen" and my heart shouted "so you shouldn't mean to hate me". And with that I was out the door, left to ponder the thing that just happened, left to self reflect and left to analyze that boy.
I just wish I knew what was going to happen next.
I guess that's my problem, I'm too focused on the future, and I'm not paying attention to my present.
And my other problem is...I can't find it within me to stop loving J1.

"LMAO"

Is there anyone else out there that can understand what it is to be angry at someone, then just take a short breather and think to yourself before wading into the argument pool again, and you just come back smiling cause you know there's really no legitimate argument on both sides?



I'm doing that right now.

Really didn't want to.

I can't stand it when someone is condescending towards me.
I try my hardest not to belittle anyone so I actually do try to hold the people I associate with to that standard.
Which is just another reason I do not associate with many people.
I honestly don't want to anymore.
As a result I'm going to be deleting all of my social networking accounts besides this one.
My friends don't really know about this anyway. Two do, but one won't remember it's name, and I've given the other instruction to check up on me every once in a while.
People don't need people as much as they think they do.

Still don't have the courage..

to tell my friends about her. Some of my friends think they know the truth and they still don't. I have managed to confuse everyone while in the process of confusing myself. 
I feel horrible for not telling J3 the truth.
And The Princess of C-School.
It's funny, The  Princess actually does know the truth, and the whole truth. Yet, she doesnt know she knows it. She knows what J3 thinks he knows. Confusing isn't it?

It will all become clear with time.

At least that's what her parents told me.

Crying is being selfish.

We are born knowing that if we cry, we get what we want.
A little later in life we associate crying with sadness.
We are sad because we cannot have what we want.
Since we are born knowing that crying gets us what we want, does that mean it's within our genes?
Is selfishness something we are born with?
Is it not possible to completely get rid of?

J4, I hate your actions.

J4 is being a Jerk.
But what else is new?
The funny thing is, I'm not going to bother telling him that he is pissing me off. I refuse to do so for two reasons. The first being, he will just write me off as being hurt by what he says and he will tell me I am being way too sensitive . Which I am a little sensitive, but I am not hurting right now. I am really upset at him. The second reason being that I know he just wont care.
It's ridiculous how much this guy prides himself on being a completely honest person. While he is honest in one sense of the word, I have yet to experience honesty in the broadest sense of the word.
I somehow cannot blame him for the way he is acting right now though.
I'm sure he's having an issue with me too. I don't understand why I'm so on edge right now.
 This is not a place I really want to be. I was in a good place but then J4 came along again and put me right back in place with the rest of everyone else. Everyone less.
I refuse to be there, because that's not my place.




 To J4.
You think you know someone so well because you are smart and have the ability to do that, but when someone puts up a barrier that they don't want you to cross, you wont understand them like you're used to. Until that person stands down, you won't know anything

Mental Seduction

Family may not be too pleased to hear this but whatever, they need to realize that I'm not 6 anymore, and that I have sex just like the rest of them. It's a natural act and I don't care what they have to say about it.


So, I've been having a secret (not so secret now) tryst with J4. I guess that's one reason he's important.
He mostly knows how to work me, which is really awesome. I can't complain there. But it's the way he does it that bothers me. He doesn't have to touch me. He doesn't have to kiss me, he doesn't have to whisper sweet nothings to me. He just has to look at me and talk to me. 
Just listening to his ideas about how people and the world works is enough to set a fire underneath me. Does he know that? Is this something he does on purpose? 
How crazy does that sound? 
I feel feeble minded knowing that he can solicit carnal need just by being articulate and knowledgeable. I just wish he would put in the effort to make it the absolute 10000000 percent best by just kissing me. By just holding me.... I know he doesn't care about me in that way. I completely understand that he might never like me like that, but I don't care. I just want to feel  cared about and I'll be fine.
But the truth is, I don't feel cared about.
So I'm kind of on edge right now.

J1 J2 J3 J4

J1- Blonde hair, eyes that I cannot for the life of me remember the color of. Bastard child that became...the father of a bastard child. 

J2- Bird. strong arms, eyes that I never stared into because deep down I never cared. Most important guy after J1

J3- Pretty boy fo'sho. A kid that had this amazing impact on how I viewed the inner workings of the mind. He never needed to try. He was at one point my muse. But he never knew it. 

J4- Brought me great joy at one point. He probably will again...I hope. Low levels of sleep and self esteem made me act like an idiot. In fact, I still am because I can't see that he's done anything wrong. He makes me want to better myself. But is it worth it if I'm bettering myself for him? Does that make it a selfish act? Is wanting to better yourself  for  yourself a selfish act?
He makes me question things I normally wouldn't. And I wish I could tell him, but I am afraid he'll judge me and  make me feel even worse than I already do.

I hope I don't have to add anymore J's to this list. 

I just thought I'd explain because they mean too much to me to not mention.

Great.

It's that kind of crazy where you laugh but you totally feel like shit inside because someone exposed your weak side and knew it and just lunged at the chance to destroy you.

Unfinished thought.

After turning inward toward myself, I emerged feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world.

I was very wrong.

Now I'm just self centered and a bitch. I can't understand why.

How did this happen? better yet, why did this happen?

I was never like this. I've never been so selfish in my life.

I ljust want what I want and I end up getting what I want.

People cater to me and it needs to stop immediately.

I don't want to sound like I'm blaming this on other people. It's no ones fault but my own. I made me this way, and I have to reflect and fix whatever I have done wrong.

I just want to collapse into my own mind again. Those were better days. Other peoples thoughts and word's didn't impact me so negatively. I took everything in stride and noticed the absolute beauty in everybody. I was able to put myself in someone else's position and see through their eyes. I did whatever I could for others with no expectations of any sort of reciprocation.

I guess this is where I try.

So I'm starting this as a way to be honest with myself. I don't expect followers, I don't expect my friends to ever look at this really. I just need to figure myself out again.


So this is where I try to do that. This is where I think it began.


I've always had trouble expressing my true thoughts and ideas to them and now people just see me as a less than intelligent being.
I deserve it though, I did this to myself sometime during middle school. 
I was always the greasy little fat girl with no friends and close to no socialization skills. 
I somehow mustered the courage to join my local youth cheer squad. 
There I quickly learned what I thought was a valuable lesson. 
No one likes you if you're smart. 
I began dumbing myself down. Consequently I found myself with more friends. 
But at what cost? 
I secretly clung academia. Books of wars passed and great human accomplishments lined the inside of my closet, a dark place that only I knew of. 
I still managed to keep my grades up but at some point teachers began publishing grades, and honor rolls were written and hung. 


(Now I need to break from this story to say that it may not sound like much now, but it truly has shaped who I am today. I bet if you look back to your days as an impressionable young pre-teen you'll understand just where I am coming from.
We all have defining moments, whether they are good or bad. Whether we are young or old.)

I had been figured out, and was once again friendless.
Now some people may say " you probably weren't the only person on the honor roll, why not make friends with the others?". 
To them I say: I wish I could have, but for some reason they rejected me too.
I wish I knew why. 
I was dead set on not being a loner and actually worked hard to not be on that honor roll. 
It shouldn't make sense because it doesn't.
I had tons of people to make fun of me, but I had a few friends, and unfortunately during that time that was all that mattered.
You see, somewhere along the way, playing dumb turned into a full time job for me. 
While I still cling to the love of knowledge and reasoning and simply picking at my own brain, I have lost the skill to verbally debate, explain, and present all these ideas and thoughts flooding my mind. 
I never gave up writing though.( I will admit that somewhere along the way I forgot how much I enjoyed grammar. Because of that I totally suck at using it properly.)
So now writing is all I have, and I guess it's all I need.




But I guess that's just how I see it. I could be totally wrong.