So I think I'm going to start keeping a log on here of how many times it happens and a description of the person.
So far today its been two guys.
The first guy was an older thug looking guy from santa paula.
And now it's a big black guy.
Everybody hides something from their friends. I just so happen to shelter my mind.
I begin where I want, I end where I want.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I get hit on at the bus stop a lottttt.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
...not sure what to think.
A normal thing for me, right?
I never seem to know which way is up or who's in control. Is it me or is it...me?
I tend to leave myself in a flurry of confusion.
I guess this might not be very surprising...but I think I just added another J to my hall of J's.
This one, J5 as we will call him for now is a little different.
Thank god.
I know I'm not going to have to deal with the same ridiculousness that drowned my relationships with J1-J4.
And I know that simply because I am too much of a chicken to even speak to this J. I am just going to admire....and admire from afar.
But I can't very well do that today because he's sitting right behind me...
Monday, May 9, 2011
Happiest place on earth?
I guess it's a good thing I'm not going. I'd hate to ruin the reputation.
I hate how J4 always bails on me. I figured disney would be our last hoorah as friends and then we would really and truly be done with eachother. I was wrong about that and right about my former post. I'm really upset. He was the only one in this god forsaken town that had some idea of culture and a brain. Great, back to being a loner.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Dreaming
I was attracted to the place. I could see the outline of books upon books through the dusty windows, and they daunted me. So much knowledge sat on shelves and they could either serve their purpose as educational tools, or ultimately become the lining of some rat's nest. I didn't want that to happen. I just wanted those books. That want drove me to ignore the rumors about that building and it's supposed inhabitants, and I began snooping around for a way in.
Everywhere I looked, the building was sealed tight. I came around to the front of the building, ready to admit defeat. I just needed to press my nose against that dirty glass one more time to pay my respect to the books that were about to perish. (there's more. Just not done, have to go get ready for work.)
Monday, May 2, 2011
She really is beautiful.
Glorious wit and whimsical imagination was thrown out to make room for puberty and a life of confusion.
and J4 is gone.
Every friendship or relationship I have with a guy that's been working well ends at 6 months. I'm not sure what it is. I guess it's hard to handle me for that long.
I explained this to the new guy I've been talking to. Let's call him Doc for now. Doc described it as living a "gypsy lifestyle". I could only agree with him. I've done research on the Roma Gypsies and , while I don't have it nearly as bad as them, it made more sense than he knew. When they need to they can just pick up and leave without worrying about the nothing they are leaving behind. When I want to, I can disappear for months at a time without worrying about friends, since I have none. I've learned to discard people after a certain amount of time. Maybe I've guarded myself so intensely that it's now a habit of my subconscious to make people go away within a certain amount of time. Just as I seem to be getting attached, I push them away. I wonder if I can break a habit powered by a mind I seemingly have no control over. (Don't think about that too hard, it's sort of a paradox and I dislike dealing with those.)
J1 is ...DONE.
Ever. I could not be happier with this. He has a "family" now, and he can take care of them. He can live his life how he pleases. Away from her.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Secret Life of The American Teenager.
I was just watching the new episode of the new season and I got to being an emotional wreck.
I really wish J1 had stuck around for his daughter. I'm sure if he had seen that bright little face of hers, his heart would have soared higher than he could have ever imagined.
She's a pretty little thing. Hopefully I don't sound rude in saying this, but she is practically a genetic anomaly.
Her darkish blonde hair, her brown bright eyes, and her perfect white skin. Seems that Fertile Myrtle's supposed "dominant genes" got a litttttttle lazy there. Didn't they? Hahaha.
Gosh, I just go into thinking about her and my train of thought goes kaput.
I just wish J1 had the same chance to do this. To be angry and then to see that little face and just completely forget why you were mad. I wish he could feel that love.
I feel like maybe today he made some sort of effort to know about her. He asked me..."Have you heard anything about the kid?" today. At first I was shocked. He had hated the idea of her so much it seemed. But now that she wasn't the unknown entity residing within me anymore, he is comfortable asking about her?
I just don't understand it. I think he is just curious.I also think he is not too thrilled about his curiosity and that's why he addressed her as "The Kid".
Oy, he just gave me a new code name. The Kid.
But I can't be angry...because he is at least asking about her.
As shocked as I was I managed to let him know that she is doing fine and that her new family is moving out here to this county. I wish I had been watching his face as I told him this, but a sort of shame and embarrassment washes over me whenever we speak now, so I was watching his hands. I haven't been able to look him in the eye since the day I walked through the pouring rain to discuss "proof of pregnancy" with him. He wanted proof, but he wouldn't come get it so I went to bitch him out. I was angry...was I always such a cow? Did my belly not scream "hey, there's another human inside of me!!!!"?Today was weird though. He was ...friendly enough. He didn't dare look at me though. That is until I somehow got the courage to look at him...and asked him the question that's been burning a hole right through my head and through my heart for the past 8 months. Are you going to hate me forever?
He looked right back at me as he was walking off. His icy eyes were wide with confusion. The first eye contact we had made in months. I just wish he didn't look at me. I wish he could have looked inside himself because what came out of his mouth and what came through his eyes were two different things. He stammered a lot. He could not get a real answer out of his mouth and I noticed. But those eyes, they said "I don't know if I'll hate you forever, because I have not decided if I want to hate you forever yet".
And to those eyes I said "Well, It's not like we meant for this to happen" and my heart shouted "so you shouldn't mean to hate me". And with that I was out the door, left to ponder the thing that just happened, left to self reflect and left to analyze that boy.
I just wish I knew what was going to happen next.
I guess that's my problem, I'm too focused on the future, and I'm not paying attention to my present.
And my other problem is...I can't find it within me to stop loving J1.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
"LMAO"
I'm doing that right now.
Really didn't want to.
I try my hardest not to belittle anyone so I actually do try to hold the people I associate with to that standard.
Which is just another reason I do not associate with many people.
I honestly don't want to anymore.
As a result I'm going to be deleting all of my social networking accounts besides this one.
My friends don't really know about this anyway. Two do, but one won't remember it's name, and I've given the other instruction to check up on me every once in a while.
People don't need people as much as they think they do.
Still don't have the courage..
I feel horrible for not telling J3 the truth.
And The Princess of C-School.
It's funny, The Princess actually does know the truth, and the whole truth. Yet, she doesnt know she knows it. She knows what J3 thinks he knows. Confusing isn't it?
It will all become clear with time.
At least that's what her parents told me.
Crying is being selfish.
A little later in life we associate crying with sadness.
We are sad because we cannot have what we want.
Since we are born knowing that crying gets us what we want, does that mean it's within our genes?
Is selfishness something we are born with?
Is it not possible to completely get rid of?
J4, I hate your actions.
But what else is new?
The funny thing is, I'm not going to bother telling him that he is pissing me off. I refuse to do so for two reasons. The first being, he will just write me off as being hurt by what he says and he will tell me I am being way too sensitive . Which I am a little sensitive, but I am not hurting right now. I am really upset at him. The second reason being that I know he just wont care.
It's ridiculous how much this guy prides himself on being a completely honest person. While he is honest in one sense of the word, I have yet to experience honesty in the broadest sense of the word.
I somehow cannot blame him for the way he is acting right now though.
I'm sure he's having an issue with me too. I don't understand why I'm so on edge right now.
This is not a place I really want to be. I was in a good place but then J4 came along again and put me right back in place with the rest of everyone else. Everyone less.
I refuse to be there, because that's not my place.
To J4.
You think you know someone so well because you are smart and have the ability to do that, but when someone puts up a barrier that they don't want you to cross, you wont understand them like you're used to. Until that person stands down, you won't know anything
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Mental Seduction
So, I've been having a secret (not so secret now) tryst with J4. I guess that's one reason he's important.
He mostly knows how to work me, which is really awesome. I can't complain there. But it's the way he does it that bothers me. He doesn't have to touch me. He doesn't have to kiss me, he doesn't have to whisper sweet nothings to me. He just has to look at me and talk to me.
Just listening to his ideas about how people and the world works is enough to set a fire underneath me. Does he know that? Is this something he does on purpose?
How crazy does that sound?
I feel feeble minded knowing that he can solicit carnal need just by being articulate and knowledgeable. I just wish he would put in the effort to make it the absolute 10000000 percent best by just kissing me. By just holding me.... I know he doesn't care about me in that way. I completely understand that he might never like me like that, but I don't care. I just want to feel cared about and I'll be fine.
But the truth is, I don't feel cared about.
So I'm kind of on edge right now.
J1 J2 J3 J4
J4- Brought me great joy at one point. He probably will again...I hope. Low levels of sleep and self esteem made me act like an idiot. In fact, I still am because I can't see that he's done anything wrong. He makes me want to better myself. But is it worth it if I'm bettering myself for him? Does that make it a selfish act? Is wanting to better yourself for yourself a selfish act?
He makes me question things I normally wouldn't. And I wish I could tell him, but I am afraid he'll judge me and make me feel even worse than I already do.
Great.
Unfinished thought.
I guess this is where I try.
So this is where I try to do that. This is where I think it began.
I've always had trouble expressing my true thoughts and ideas to them and now people just see me as a less than intelligent being.
I deserve it though, I did this to myself sometime during middle school.
I was always the greasy little fat girl with no friends and close to no socialization skills.
I somehow mustered the courage to join my local youth cheer squad.
There I quickly learned what I thought was a valuable lesson.
No one likes you if you're smart.
I began dumbing myself down. Consequently I found myself with more friends.
But at what cost?
I secretly clung academia. Books of wars passed and great human accomplishments lined the inside of my closet, a dark place that only I knew of.
I still managed to keep my grades up but at some point teachers began publishing grades, and honor rolls were written and hung.
(Now I need to break from this story to say that it may not sound like much now, but it truly has shaped who I am today. I bet if you look back to your days as an impressionable young pre-teen you'll understand just where I am coming from.
We all have defining moments, whether they are good or bad. Whether we are young or old.)
I had been figured out, and was once again friendless.
Now some people may say " you probably weren't the only person on the honor roll, why not make friends with the others?".
To them I say: I wish I could have, but for some reason they rejected me too.
I wish I knew why.
I was dead set on not being a loner and actually worked hard to not be on that honor roll.
It shouldn't make sense because it doesn't.
I had tons of people to make fun of me, but I had a few friends, and unfortunately during that time that was all that mattered.
You see, somewhere along the way, playing dumb turned into a full time job for me.
While I still cling to the love of knowledge and reasoning and simply picking at my own brain, I have lost the skill to verbally debate, explain, and present all these ideas and thoughts flooding my mind.
I never gave up writing though.( I will admit that somewhere along the way I forgot how much I enjoyed grammar. Because of that I totally suck at using it properly.)
So now writing is all I have, and I guess it's all I need.
But I guess that's just how I see it. I could be totally wrong.