I guess this is where I try.

So I'm starting this as a way to be honest with myself. I don't expect followers, I don't expect my friends to ever look at this really. I just need to figure myself out again.


So this is where I try to do that. This is where I think it began.


I've always had trouble expressing my true thoughts and ideas to them and now people just see me as a less than intelligent being.
I deserve it though, I did this to myself sometime during middle school. 
I was always the greasy little fat girl with no friends and close to no socialization skills. 
I somehow mustered the courage to join my local youth cheer squad. 
There I quickly learned what I thought was a valuable lesson. 
No one likes you if you're smart. 
I began dumbing myself down. Consequently I found myself with more friends. 
But at what cost? 
I secretly clung academia. Books of wars passed and great human accomplishments lined the inside of my closet, a dark place that only I knew of. 
I still managed to keep my grades up but at some point teachers began publishing grades, and honor rolls were written and hung. 


(Now I need to break from this story to say that it may not sound like much now, but it truly has shaped who I am today. I bet if you look back to your days as an impressionable young pre-teen you'll understand just where I am coming from.
We all have defining moments, whether they are good or bad. Whether we are young or old.)

I had been figured out, and was once again friendless.
Now some people may say " you probably weren't the only person on the honor roll, why not make friends with the others?". 
To them I say: I wish I could have, but for some reason they rejected me too.
I wish I knew why. 
I was dead set on not being a loner and actually worked hard to not be on that honor roll. 
It shouldn't make sense because it doesn't.
I had tons of people to make fun of me, but I had a few friends, and unfortunately during that time that was all that mattered.
You see, somewhere along the way, playing dumb turned into a full time job for me. 
While I still cling to the love of knowledge and reasoning and simply picking at my own brain, I have lost the skill to verbally debate, explain, and present all these ideas and thoughts flooding my mind. 
I never gave up writing though.( I will admit that somewhere along the way I forgot how much I enjoyed grammar. Because of that I totally suck at using it properly.)
So now writing is all I have, and I guess it's all I need.




But I guess that's just how I see it. I could be totally wrong.