You have NO idea...
I was just watching the new episode of the new season and I got to being an emotional wreck.
I really wish J1 had stuck around for his daughter. I'm sure if he had seen that bright little face of hers, his heart would have soared higher than he could have ever imagined.
She's a pretty little thing. Hopefully I don't sound rude in saying this, but she is practically a genetic anomaly.
Her darkish blonde hair, her brown bright eyes, and her perfect white skin. Seems that Fertile Myrtle's supposed "dominant genes" got a litttttttle lazy there. Didn't they? Hahaha.
Gosh, I just go into thinking about her and my train of thought goes kaput.
I just wish J1 had the same chance to do this. To be angry and then to see that little face and just completely forget why you were mad. I wish he could feel that love.
I feel like maybe today he made some sort of effort to know about her. He asked me..."Have you heard anything about the kid?" today. At first I was shocked. He had hated the idea of her so much it seemed. But now that she wasn't the unknown entity residing within me anymore, he is comfortable asking about her?
I just don't understand it. I think he is just curious.I also think he is not too thrilled about his curiosity and that's why he addressed her as "The Kid".
Oy, he just gave me a new code name. The Kid.
But I can't be angry...because he is at least asking about her.
As shocked as I was I managed to let him know that she is doing fine and that her new family is moving out here to this county. I wish I had been watching his face as I told him this, but a sort of shame and embarrassment washes over me whenever we speak now, so I was watching his hands. I haven't been able to look him in the eye since the day I walked through the pouring rain to discuss "proof of pregnancy" with him. He wanted proof, but he wouldn't come get it so I went to bitch him out. I was angry...was I always such a cow? Did my belly not scream "hey, there's another human inside of me!!!!"?Today was weird though. He was ...friendly enough. He didn't dare look at me though. That is until I somehow got the courage to look at him...and asked him the question that's been burning a hole right through my head and through my heart for the past 8 months. Are you going to hate me forever?
He looked right back at me as he was walking off. His icy eyes were wide with confusion. The first eye contact we had made in months. I just wish he didn't look at me. I wish he could have looked inside himself because what came out of his mouth and what came through his eyes were two different things. He stammered a lot. He could not get a real answer out of his mouth and I noticed. But those eyes, they said "I don't know if I'll hate you forever, because I have not decided if I want to hate you forever yet".
And to those eyes I said "Well, It's not like we meant for this to happen" and my heart shouted "so you shouldn't mean to hate me". And with that I was out the door, left to ponder the thing that just happened, left to self reflect and left to analyze that boy.
I just wish I knew what was going to happen next.
I guess that's my problem, I'm too focused on the future, and I'm not paying attention to my present.
And my other problem is...I can't find it within me to stop loving J1.
No comments:
Post a Comment