J1 J2 J3 J4

J1- Blonde hair, eyes that I cannot for the life of me remember the color of. Bastard child that became...the father of a bastard child. 

J2- Bird. strong arms, eyes that I never stared into because deep down I never cared. Most important guy after J1

J3- Pretty boy fo'sho. A kid that had this amazing impact on how I viewed the inner workings of the mind. He never needed to try. He was at one point my muse. But he never knew it. 

J4- Brought me great joy at one point. He probably will again...I hope. Low levels of sleep and self esteem made me act like an idiot. In fact, I still am because I can't see that he's done anything wrong. He makes me want to better myself. But is it worth it if I'm bettering myself for him? Does that make it a selfish act? Is wanting to better yourself  for  yourself a selfish act?
He makes me question things I normally wouldn't. And I wish I could tell him, but I am afraid he'll judge me and  make me feel even worse than I already do.

I hope I don't have to add anymore J's to this list. 

I just thought I'd explain because they mean too much to me to not mention.